This is ridiculous. I love her.
She loves someone else;
I move on, then the person hurts her.
I get pissed.
She gets sad.
I recognize I have no chance.
I leave her alone.
Her self-esteem is crushed from the rejection of whatever tool is dumb enough to turn her down, she ends up liking someone else.
The other person is an ignorant dipshit and turns her down.
I still love her.
She doubts her sexuality:
hope flares
... and then I find out that who she likes doesn't even regularly talk to her.
I still love her.
I hate the people who hurt her.

She is too aware of the suffering around her.
She is too giving.
She has nothing left for herself.
She takes minute details about herself and warps them and convinces herself that she's a terrible person.
Well, I needed to say it.
She is FUCKING AMAZING.
so I'm sitting here right now, at one-thirty in the morning, in my PJ's, completely drunk, completely exhausted, thinking about her; knowing she's the only person who will ever read this.
And at this moment, right now, when she's reading this;
I guarantee that at this moment I am still thinking of her.
Missing her.

Which is pathetic, really.
But hey, that's life.


The sucky part is that she knows that I love her.
That she is the one I trust above all others.

That she astonishes me every day.

The good part is
We're still friends.
We are best friends, in fact
friends 'til the end, right?





She knows all of this;
but she doesn't take advantage of my affection,
(though, I don't really have much to give lol)
she doesn't shun me from embarassment

She's not embarassed by the hugs, the smiles, the compliments;
she appreciates them.

And for that I love her more.




like I said;
pathetic.

But that's okay.
Because even though I disdain anyone who displays weakness to the world,
even though I hate myself for caring so goddamn much

I'm fine with it.


because if being near her, even if I wasn't her friend, makes me pathetic
So be it.
I'm happy.




My caring exceeds my normal self-imposed rules.
I'm not afraid to get close.
I don't care about the imminent and inevitable pain



A single smile from her would make years of torment worthwhile.







...............
I love you, Laura.